Embrace the Suck
by chillthebeans
Summary: Set in 1x17. {"You're either with me or against me, and those against me always lose."} Alternate version of the scene when Michael threatens to expose Alex to Amanda if Nikita doesn't find Kasim. Mikita.


Alternate 1x17 loft scene. I hope you enjoy! :) Feedback is appreciated.

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The soft click of the door closing echoed through the loft.

"Nikita."

Michael's threatening voice calls her.

Nikita walks into the main part of the loft to find him sitting cross-legged with a shotgun in his lap, pointed at her.

"Michael?" she questions him. Why is he here alone? There should be Division agents everywhere.

He pumps the barrel of the gun. "Sit down, Nikita."

She doesn't move.

"Sit down," he says again and raises the gun to be level with her head.

"Michael, I know you're upset, but-" her pleas are interrupted by Michael firing at the wall behind her. She flinches violently and part of the plastering falls to the ground.

"I won't ask again."

Nikita puts her hands up shakily and slowly walks over to her bed in the middle of the loft.

"Disarm or my next shot is at your head," Michael commands as he gets up and follows her to the bed.

Nikita removes the gun from her holster and pulls the knife out of her boot. Then, making sure the safety is on, she tosses both weapons on to the ground behind her.

"Gold star." The familiar phrase echoes in her mind as Michael says it, although it no longer holds the teasing tone it used to when she was a recruit.

"Michael, please," she begs and looks up into his eyes. He stares back at her, his features showing no emotion.

"Please what? Please don't hurt you? Please don't do this?"

"Please don't be mad."

After a pause, Michael swallows uncomfortably as rage build up inside him. He was expecting her to beg, to plead but she asks him _not to be mad?_

"Let me explain-" she begins but Michael silences her with a glare.

He closes his eyes for a moment and reopens them as he says, "You have one minute."

Nikita is shocked. She bites her lower lip in confusion.

"Fifty-five seconds," he reminds her.

"I'm not sorry," she says and looks at his face hoping to see an emotion. There is none, so she continues. "Those guards would have shot you dead before you even got close to Kasim."

"Why do you care?" Michael asks suddenly.

She starts toying with the sleeves of her jacket. "This may seem hard to believe, but I care about you."

She looks up into his cold, calculating gaze.

"You're lying," he says.

"No, I'm not." Nikita stands up and takes a step towards him. "Michael, do you remember what you said to me, back in Division? That night after Daniel was killed?"

"No," he answers curtly, but she can see in his eyes that he does.

"I visited your apartment. I cried and cried and cried in your arms. You held me tight and stroked my hair. Eventually, I stopped crying. You carried me to your bed and tucked me under the sheets. Right before you left, you whispered something in my ear. You thought I was asleep, but I wasn't." She walks over to one of the giant windows and stares out at the city below. "You said, 'Embrace the suck.' I didn't understand what you meant at first, but I went and researched it the next day."

"What's your point?" he asks, feigning boredom.

Ignoring him, she continues. "It's a term used in the military. Basically, it means that your life sucks and you have two options: embrace it or roll over and die."

"I know. I'm the one who said it, remember?"

She turns her gaze back to him. "You seem to have forgotten. You should be the one embracing. I have dealt with Daniel's death. It doesn't drive me towards revenge like you with Kasim."

"Uh, hello, is this still Nikita? You launched a war against Division because they killed him. That's not dealing with it."

"You know that's not the only reason I'm doing this."

"No, I don't actually. So, enlighten me."

"I'm doing this because I've killed people. I've killed people, Michael." Nikita ignores the lump in her throat as she speaks. No matter how many times she says those words, they always catch her off guard.

"So have I." Michael stands up and walks over to the window she is standing at.

She turns away from him again. "We've killed people with families and friends and fiancés and wives and daughters. And in my opinion, that just makes us no better than Kasim or Percy. How many widows have we created? How many orphans? I may never get a Presidential Pardon, Michael, but at least I won't feel as guilty after Division is destroyed."

Michael moves closer to her. "When I'm destroyed, you mean."

She looks him straight in the eyes. "If you're not with me, you're against me and those against me always lose."

The loft is almost silent for a moment as Nikita's words seem to hang in the air.

"'They'?" she asks after a beat.

"What?"

"'You launched a war against Division because they killed him.' You referred to Division as 'they'."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm getting through that thick skull of yours."

Michael chuckled. "Friends?"

"Friends-bordering-on-besties?" She smiled.

He rolled his eyes. "Sure."

Nikita looks down at his hands and sees that he left the shotgun sitting on the bed. She smiles.

Walking back over to her bed, she lifts the shotgun and her own weapons. She arms herself and then hands the shotgun to Michael. He shakes his head.

"You keep it. I know you've always wanted a Remington 870."

"Actually, I've always wanted a Remington 780, but that's an easy mistake to make."

"Like the AK47 and the AK74u?"

"Exactly."

* * *

I may continue the Nikita storyline from this point, depending on the reaction. Nikita fans are amazing, so please leave a review.


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